In this new era of web technology, as we bathe in the glow of the white heat of technology, spare a thought for the poor, underpaid, overworked hack. Picture her now: perched on the sofa, hunched over a grimy laptop, fag ash drooping dangerously, eyes gritty with unrequited sleep. The ash drops into her coffee but she doesn’t give a shit. In fact, it might improve the flavour. She drinks it down in one, spent tobacco and all.

She’s got a deadline. In fact, she’s got lots of them. But right now all she cares about is getting this story finished and sent. Right now, what she really needs is a quote from the author. And a mugshot. Christ, she needs a one-sentence bio too. She can’t phone him; it’s 4am and anyway, she can’t remember his number. She thinks she left her Blackberry at the bar. Or possibly in the cab. Or maybe she left it at that guy’s house… no, let’s not go there. If it’s there, it can stay there. Dirty bastard.

Spark up the browser. Maybe, just maybe, the author has a media pack. We used to call them press packs back in the days of paper. Nowadays they’re Media packs. Media media bloody media. She hates the term, she sees tiny Nathan Barleys dancing before her eyes every time she hears it. Okay: deep breath, and…Google. What have we got? Well spank me sideways with a rolled up Radio Times, he’s got one! Clickety-click. Yes! Goldmine! Cut and paste nirvana, apart from that crap at the top. Result: the story posted, money in the bank, two hours kip. Two whole hours. That’s practically a detox retreat.

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Bio

For Private Eye only

Laurence Timms is 94.

For all other publications

Laurence Timms is just this guy.

Autoquote Interviewmatic

Need to interview me but don’t have the time or inclination? Simply cut out and rearrange these interview answers and insert your questions in front. Couldn’t be easier.

“Hi. Fine, thanks. The effects are slowly wearing off.”

“Well, it’s bound to happen soon. I’ve been getting strong signals and I’m collecting tinfoil just in case.”

“No, I never said that. My comments were taken out of context.”

“She did, did she? I really can’t comment. I’ve never actually met her.”

“Fourteen or fifteen times. It’s hard to keep count when you’re bound and gagged.”

“Just crayons and scrap paper. Then all I need is a flat surface and a bit of time.”

“Oh, that really ticks me off, you know that? After all I did for him, after all the support I gave him! He can shove his award where the sun don’t shine.”

“I’m just going outside. I may be some time.”

Factoids

Need padding? Use a factoid. You can’t go wrong with a factoid.

• The writings of Laurence Timms, when laid end to end in 12pt Arial, reach all the way to the end of his street and around the corner to that little chemist that’s always closed on Saturday afternoons.
• Laurence Timms is the only author to have knowingly written a graphic sex scene in the foyer of Cinema Number 2 of the Barbican Centre, London.
• The apocalyptic religious cult created by Laurence Timms in May 1990 lasted exactly one week before it became obvious that the world had no intention of ending just now, thankyou very much.
• Laurence Timms can play two didgeridoos at once.
• The strangest good luck mascot ever owned by any author is a rubber tent mallet called Timothy McCree, currently in the ownership of Laurence Timms.
• Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain, Lucy Maud Montgomery and Winston Churchill all share a birthday with Laurence Timms. Coincidence?
• Laurence Timms was born in Oxford, but never went to university there.
• Laurence Timms is allergic to kiwi fruit.
• Whilst reading Gravity’s Rainbow Laurence Timms got upset and depressed, and had to put it down.
• Laurence Timms still bears the scar of a 1979 skateboarding accident.

Logos and Images

Over forty years time and effort has gone into establishing the Laurence Timms brand. Please treat it with care. Use only these official images when mentioning Laurence Timms in your publications, broadcasts or blogs.